Please welcome our second contributor to The Hop Against Homophobia and Transphobia, Kade Boehme. Kade shares a very personal story about his own coming out with us today, and there’s also another chance to win a $20 Gift Card for Dreamspinner Press (the first can be found HERE – Deadline Midnight PT 5/21/14).
THIS CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED.
Homophobia. Obviously it’s a strange concept to me since, well, I’m the homo that’s being phobed. I never understood it. I grew up knowing what the people around me thought of gays. Good lord, my dad would see an episode of Will & Grace coming on and he’d complain about how they were “promoting that shit.” He said the same thing about biracial couples, Jews, Catholics… He was pretty equal opportunity, but I digress.
I knew from such an early age that I liked boys. I said Johnathan Taylor Thomas was cute when I was 7, for heaven’s sake. I was ogling boys in tights in the ballet film Center Stage when I was 12, never giving a passing glance to the girls. I “stumbled” on gay porn at thirteen, and it’s like the final pieces of the puzzle fit together when I realized boys could be together like that.
But my being gay since effing birth came from an innocent place well before I even got what being gay meant. Before my being gay was something sexual, something political, something controversial. Before all of that, I was just the 10 year old boy with a stomach-aching, sweaty-palmed, want-to-see-him-smile-all-the-time crush on his best friend Caleb.
Then, my dad said it. Queer. Hell, I still cringe just as fast at the word “queer” spoken with a southern accent as I do “faggot”. In the south, it’s kinda one and the same. I’d never paid any attention to or understood just who these queers were or who those gays were who were promoting their “shit” in such a way that my father took offense. They were the others. Until I realized, oh fuck, They is actually We.
And I officially didn’t get it. Here I was, thirteen, not understanding why my dad thought something was wrong with it. Didn’t he realize I liked boys like that too? What exactly would I be promoting if I simply… existed?
Eighteen, my dad finds out I’m gay. He tells everyone. Yeah, that didn’t go so well. We haven’t seen each other in 8 years, not since the night he found my copy of Eating Out. Damn that cover for looking like porn. Hmph. Guess it’s good he didn’t find the M/M YA I had. His head would have exploded over some of those early ’00s covers, just sayin’.
In those eight years, I’ve also not spoken with my family—seriously my grandmother used the I have friends who can help with this line…seriously—and my mother and I fell out pretty hard over it.
But something fucking amazing happened in that almost-decade. First, I never ran into others who weren’t accepting. All of my friends, no matter how religious or what family they came from, seemed to rally around me. So as a sample of my generation, they seemed to be indicative of a changing tide. Then marriage equality seemed to grow legs, DADT was repealed, DOMA was overturned. My mom made gay friends.
I still catch myself taking a look around the room if my date is forwardly affectionate in public, still hear my dad’s words in my head and reel from the things my mother and I went through. But I can report, it is in fact getting better. I know my experience isn’t the same as everyone. The changes may even be too subtle for people, but the strides we’ve taken in just a decade… Man, how I wept when DOMA was overturned. It gave me hope. Hope that I may actually get to be married and have those things I was convinced by my family I never would.
I like to think a kid born now won’t have the same experience by a long shot. When he’s eighteen and his dad finds out, his dad may flip but maybe, just maybe, they’ll be solid. Maybe he won’t have to go through kids constantly asking him, “Are you gay?” when they mean they’ll kick your ass if you say yes. Maybe homophobia will be a word no one has to even try to understand.
Maybe he’ll hold his boyfriend’s hand and never even think to check the people around him.
Here’s hoping.
And for the record, those gay friends helped. My mom is now my best friend. So yeah… hope.
So much I want to say, but words aren’t enough. I’m in awe of the courage it takes to be out in this world. It’s courage we straights never need to tap into. Thanks for sharing your very personal story. I’m sorry for what you went through, but I’m glad it’s getting better. Someday this will not be an issue. I hope to see it in my lifetime.
LikeLiked by 3 people
thanks so much for taking the time to read :) and i concur. So glad it’s getting better.
LikeLike
Reblogged this on redtigerburninglust and commented:
Kade is a wonderful person
LikeLiked by 1 person
Such a heartrending story, Kade! But thank you…
LikeLiked by 3 people
Hugs. Mum and I have had some long conversations about guy rights…she still struggles with some of it, but it was always a given that she still loved me. I’m bi, and poly – both my partners know about each other and all is good. My parents said that as long as I was happy that was fine – and I am aware of just how lucky I am that they have been so accepting.
LikeLiked by 2 people
so so SO glad your experience wasn’t too traumatizing. <3 thanks for the hugs.
LikeLike
Thank you Kade, I applaud your telling a very personal and moving story especially after recent events which I know had to hurt you. I salute you one Proud Gay man to another. rojoroaors@yahoo.com
LikeLiked by 2 people
thanks for the shout out :) and for taking the time to read my post
LikeLike
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I hate that anyone has to go through something like this, and I hope that it keeps getting better.
LikeLiked by 3 people
What a great, honest, and relatable post, Kade. I grew up in the 1950’s and ’60’s, a time that really resonates here with your family’s issues about your being gay, so my heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your own coming of age story. :) Paul
LikeLiked by 2 people
thanks for reading Paul, and for the comment :)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for sharing with us Kade!
raynman1979(at)yahoo(dot)com
LikeLiked by 2 people
I was fortunate enough to grow up with parents who are therapists and who were so liberal they marched for civil rights in the 1960’s when they were just teenagers. So I never experienced that kind of rejection from my parents. My heart just breaks into little pieces when I read posts like this. Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience this way.
LikeLiked by 2 people
so happy your parents were so badass (and you as well ;)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you sharing such a personal story with us. I’m glad that you had your friends and now (finally) your mother. As a mom myself, I have never understood turning away your children because of who they are.
LikeLiked by 2 people
you make me smile. keep on bein’ a kickass mom and i appreciate you taking the time to read the post
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for your post I’m sorry about what you went through but so pleased your mom has become your friend again. The world is changing and I hope that in the future it will be easier.
ShirleyAnn(at)speakman40(dot)freeserve(dot)co(dot)uk
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks Kade for a timely post. Being 78 I’ve seen many a change and thankfully for the better. There is still much to be accomplished, but almost daily change is happening.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks so much for sharing your story which you do with so much heart and humor. It breaks my heart that you had to experience hate and rejection especially from you own family; so happy for you that you and your Mom are close again. It cannot be easy to share such a personal story but I truly believe that sharing stories like yours – stories of pain but also hope – helps others. ~hugs~
LikeLiked by 2 people
Great post Kade! I didn’t come out to my family until I was in my mid twenties & living with a guy. It’s such a struggle. Thank God they were accepting and supportive. I wish it were so for everyone.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Kade, the courage you possess amazes me. The things you went through suck, and I wish you hadn’t had to go through those things, but those sucky things, those experiences that made you stronger, they helped shape you into the person you are today. And that person is pretty kick*ss :) You write stories that give people hope. You write stories that deal with issues some people won’t touch and you do it with class, respect, and dignity. You have so many friends that love and support YOU AS YOU, that yeah, things are changing for the better pretty rapidly. I’m bi, my family knows (because my mom accidentally outed me at Thanksgiving one year with an innocent comment she made about me swinging both ways) My mom is cool, my dad… We don’t talk about it. It’s easier to keep the peace that way. I keep it quiet around people I know have a problem with it, but I am never quiet about my support of equal rights. So, to conclude, my point is… Great post, Hun. Thank you for being so strong and sharing something so personal with us. You are amazing and I know that will never change! ❤️
LikeLiked by 3 people
<3 So much bravery. To be yourself despite rejection, to share your story here, and to live out loud every day.
I do think things are changing, and I think people like you are helping that change along, both with your writing and just by being true to yourself. :)
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks for sharing your journey. I’m glad your mother was willing to open her mind up enough to change her attitude.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I watched my extended family, spearheaded by three older, Italian Catholic aunts, throw a baby shower when my cousin and her partner brought home their adopted little girl so to me it’s just unbelievable when the ones who should be supportive are the ones who tear you down. Glad you have your mom now to add to your list of supporters.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks for your personal sharing and so glad that your mother is your best friend now.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you Kade for sharing such a personal story. I am so sorry that you experienced such painful problems at a time when you needed support and unconditional love. The saddest part was when you said that you still look around you when a boyfriend is affectionate in public. That so upset me no one should be wary about showing love and affection. I’m glad you find things getting better it can’t happen soon enough for me.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Kade, you are a wonderful example of the face of change. You give me, a woman twice your age, hope that things are changing. My gay brother is in his late forties and TODAY his home state of Pennsylvania began marrying same sex couples. If it weren’t for brave young (and some a little older) men like you giving me the courage to speak my mind, I would never have gotten involved in a movement which has come to be such an important part of who I am. Your bravery in the face of bigotry spills over and fills those of us who have a soft heart open to change with your overabundance of bravery that you spill everywhere you go. I am proud and honored to know you. For the record, I still officially don’t get it. But I love you and will stand by your side to fight for your right to marry or not. It’s nobody’s fucking business.
LikeLiked by 2 people
thanks for sharing such a personal glimpse into your life
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m so glad you and your mom are back on good terms! Thanks for sharing your story and your hope.
LikeLike
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s awesome that your mom is supportive =)
LikeLike
Awesome that you were able to overcome it and that your relationship with your mom is thriving. It is a great thing that a lot of personalities have changed toward the subject. Their isn’t as much fear of the unknown. Hopefully we will continue to grow.
LikeLike
Wow, You are such a happy – go- lucky person. Had know idea you had to struggle through such heartache to get to your happy place. At least you have your Mum by your side now.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m glad you & your mum are close again. I think the world is changing it’s view & I hope someday soon it will be seen as just another difference, like race or religion. Like the song says, “We all bleed red.”
LikeLiked by 1 person
I share your wish for the future. I pray that my grandchildren won’t have to worry about who they fall in love with.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Kade, as a mom, I am so happy that your own mom finally remembered who she is…YOUR MOM! While rejection from your family must have been so damned hard, I can tell by the relationships you have on FB and your books that it (rejection) also made you the absolutely wonderful person you are! My son will be 14; I have absolutely no idea if he likes girls OR boys (which is weird that a 13-almost-14 year old isn’t hormone-ing all over the place) but I do know that, either way, he’s my baby and all I want is for him to be happy…and I’ve told him this many a time. So, thank you for this post and thank you for making me tear up at 5:30 in the morning. <3
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for sharing your story. I was lucky to grow up in a house where I can honestly say that none of the things that others saw seemed to matter. Race, sexuality, ect…until I got together with my husband I really didn’t realize that any of that was a big deal….my family always seemed to look at love was love and if who you loved made you happy it didn’t matter what race or sex they were…now looking back I was a little naive back then but still believe at love is love regardless. <3
LikeLike
Thanks for sharing your story, Kade. Glad you had such supportive friends and a mom that loves you no matter what. Here’s hoping for even more positive changes to come. :)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for telling your story. I live in SF Bay Area and I forget how things are in other parts of the country (though I’m sure there are plenty of bigots around here, just not so overt).
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for sharing your experiences.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for sharing your story with us – I do think it is getting better but we still have so far left to go. Your mom sounds awesome!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for sharing your personal experiences.
OceanAkers @ aol.com
LikeLiked by 1 person
Kade, I’m so glad that you and your mom have worked things out, even if it’s still not 100%.
Sometimes I think things happen to a) seriously test us and b) for us to find the family (chosen family) that we were meant to have originally. It utterly blows to be made to feel less or outcast from your family, you came through it and luckily you have what sounds to be fantastic people in your life that have supported you completely. I kept/keep my sexuality out of my family’s circle. Mostly I did it out of respect for my grandparents that helped raised me and were very old school (they were the first generation born in the US.) Now it’s just the people that matter to me most, already know and accept me for who I am and who I want to be with. I’m really okay with that though, because they are the family I was meant to have. :)
LikeLiked by 1 person
I truly look forward to the day when none of this is an issue. I am glad you were able to reconnect with your mom.
LikeLike
Thanks for taking part in the hop!
kimberlyFDR@yahoo.com
LikeLike
I’m sorry your experience was so bad. I grew up, and have always lived, in the south. I can honestly see a big difference between now and 20-25 years ago. It’s obviously still not perfect, but it’s getting better. Maybe soon.
LikeLike
My kids know that the gender of who they love or who their friends love is unimportant.
LikeLike
Good morning, everyone, and thanks so much to all of you who followed along on the HAHAT 2014 Blog Tour. And a very special thank you to Kade Boehme for sharing such a personal part of himself with us.
The giveaway for the $20 Dreamspinner gift card is now closed, and the winner’s been selected. The gift card goes to
Penumbra
Congratulations, Penumbra! I’ve emailed DSP Customer Service for delivery, so expect to hear from them soon. :)
LikeLike